AcmeShorts

My name is Fuckstrello “Bansai” Equestrienne de Vanderveen and I stock vending machines for a living. The machines on my route dispense a variety of concessions including gumballs, stickers and instant photos which cost $2.00 for a strip of four. I also stock machines that vend calling cards, laundry detergent, birdseed, candy, postage stamps, sanitary napkins and condoms in addition to other high quality products. I believe that my ability to maintain good relations with site managers has been the one of the most crucial elements of my success.

As a young man it was my aspiration to be a professional jockey. However it was not ultimately my fate to bring this goal to fruition. Perhaps you are wondering what factors most prominently figured in my inability to achieve this ambition? If so, my belief is that the absence of horses and riding equipment located in my geographical area as well as my body type (I am a tall, fat man) presented my most challenging obstacles. I admit it is possible certain other factors may have also played a role.

I sincerely hope the above statements will not make you think "here is a fellow who is dissatisfied with his portion in life." You may be surprised to learn that in certain areas it has been my destiny to enjoy remarkable good fortune. For example, I once discovered approximately forty one dollars behind a change dispensing machine. I considered purchasing a new clock with this money, but in the end I decided against doing so in favor of depositing the money into my personal savings account.

I have never shoplifted, 'freebased' drugs, committed perjury or taken part in other unlawful actions. I do not believe in God and I hope you will not not ask me to disclose my reasons (because they are private). Last June 17th I enjoyed my fifty-third birthday. I received five cards from well-wishers to acknowledge this occasion.

I endeavor to maintain physical fitness by walking 1 and 1/2 miles on a daily basis and tending to a small vegetable garden. Many individuals do not think of gardening as a strenuous activity. Yet it involves frequent bending motions and other movements that may tax or exert the muscles. It is also good for the digestion.

It is my sincere hope that you will not ridicule me or feel compelled to cast aspersions upon my profession.

Date Written: July 12, 2005
Author: Jon Matza
Average Vote: 3.33333
Comments:
07/21/2005 qualcomm: this short is so featureless, it can only have been written by the finch.
07/21/2005 Will Disney: not very exciting!
07/21/2005 anonymous: the finch got demoted a while ago
signed,
anon_user_a
07/21/2005 Streifenbeuteldachs (4): This was terribly funny, in an "I'm smarter than you" sort of way.
07/21/2005 scoop: This thing leaves my frog's leg completely inert.
07/21/2005 Benny Maniacs (4): I think the idea of taking a humdrum occupation and being all high handed about it is funny and original. But it's missing an element though - possibly that Spielbergian glow.
07/21/2005 TheBuyer: Where's her T, I've never done it that way before.
07/21/2005 qualcomm (2.5):
07/21/2005 TheBuyer: I like it but I think it would have worked better with just the first three graphs and the last line. All that information about his character and age and things strike me as tangental and pointless, but not un a bad way, just in a sort of useless way. The whole short is really smooth, like an egg, with nothing to snag on.
07/21/2005 Mr. Joshua: If you cut this thing open it would bring tears to your eyes.
07/21/2005 TheBuyer: Do you mean in that oniony way or in that root-canal way?
07/21/2005 Mr. Pony: Why is this guy always talking to me? What is it about me?
07/21/2005 TheBuyer (2.5): The name gag could have done without the F-word (fuck). Please consider rating a low three.
07/22/2005 Litcube (4):
07/22/2005 Mr. Pony (3): I don't not like this, Matza. I do feel that you can do this sort of thing in your sleep, though. It's entirely possible that this is the source of my ambivalence.
07/25/2005 Jon Matza: FTR, this was supposed to be an instant short but I forgot to click on the selectro-box, then Disney ignored my plea for reflogulation. Therefore etc.