AcmeShorts

Ladies and gentleman, distinguished colleagues, members of the Prize Committee: words cannot express my awe and humility this evening. I feel the weight of history on my shoulders. So many questions race through my award-winning brain. Does this prize mean that I've "won," that I'm somehow better than the rest of you? Maybe, but that's not the point. Is the point that I am still capable of five, sometimes six, distinct orgasms in one twelve hour period? Or that I could have married any one of my serious girlfriends, had I chosen to do so? Or that I can look at substances and tell you their atomic makeup faster than a gas chromatograph? As a professional baseball player, my career batting average would have been well over .500, with 727 lifetime steals, the majority of them performed with loaded bases, myself on first, forcing second and third base to steal as well, and all of it miraculously succeeding. Does that matter? Is that the point? Hardly. People love me. I'm the best. I can hear your thoughts. Right now, I am causing a distant star to supernova. Wait, I changed my mind. Just go brown dwarf. In theory, I have authored of one of the most successful series of middle grade science fiction novels in Random House history. I created the expression "how you like me now." Concluding, I want to thank Holiday Inn's staff for their four-star service. Good night.