Short #261 – AcmeShorts

The cold sore sat there on Johnny’s lip, blistering in sun.

“Dude, this is Simplex 2,” Johnny was telling his friend. “I got it from going down on Mary Jane. That’s right.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” his friend asked him.

“Oh, I see – jealous, huh? Well, that’s fine with me,” Johnny said. He stroked his sore pensively, causing some of the clear puss to ooze out. “After all, I’ve got proof of something. And what the hell do you have?”

“You’re out of you mind,” his friend told him.

“That’s what you say,” Johnny replied. He collected some more puss onto his finger and then stuck it into his mouth. “Tastes like Ladies Fingers, tastes like Ladies Fingers,” he mumbled to himself deliriously.

He looked around. His friend had left.

“I wonder what would happen if I put some of this stuff into my eye sockets,” Johnny thought out loud.

Comments:

08/6/2003 Texxx (5): Utterly disturbing. And somehow reminiscent of something the 'author' once told me in real life.

08/6/2003 Will Disney: yeah, that's right i was the friend

02/23/2004 scoop: Good reference!!

06/17/2004 Benny Maniacs (4): Yeah. I like that we have the ole' Pinata back in our midst. Give us a short Texxx!

06/17/2004 John Slocum (5): I don't think this is the calming Disney Pony was talking about, but this Disney's okay in my book.

06/17/2004 Mr. Pony (5): I'm really tired, but willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.

06/18/2004 TheBuyer: Laughed out loud. Put it in your eye.

10/26/2004 TheBuyer (5):

12/24/2004 Shane Mahoney (1): I fail to see how this piece addresses the pressing issue of how we are moving forward in our application of the North American ideal of preservation and the stewardship of our vital natural rezources.

01/17/2005 Jon Matza: Disney: I too fail to see how this piece addresses the pressing issue of how we are moving forward in our application of the North American ideal of preservation and the stewardship of our vital natural rezources. Therefore, FU.

01/18/2005 The Rid: Like Mahoney and Matza, I fail to see how this piece addresses the pressing issue of how we are moving forward in our application of the North American ideal of preservation and the stewardship of our vital natural rezources.

01/18/2005 Mr. Pony: To the three of you tools: I would argue that there is not, and has never been a North American ideal of preservation, and that to say that we need to move forward on it is pebbles in the ocean, my friends. Pebbles in the ocean. And "stewardship" has always been a euphemizm for "don't harvest it, and it'll be worth more next year". Is your initial premise flawed? Perhaps. That said, this short paradoxically addresses these issues directly with what is not said, with the space between the ideas. See, what you are talking about is Human idealizm, Human hopes and dreams. And Human resources. What happens when the pus runs out? Or is that irrelevant; because Herpes is Forever? And after all, the pus isn't just pus; it's proof--proof, pure and simple. As Johnny would say, "And what the hell do you have?" And what the hell do we have, indeed? So I think the three of you need to take another good long look at this short, and then a good long look at yourselves, and then a good long look at each other, and then ask yourselves this: "Do I fail to see? Or, am I failing to see?"

01/18/2005 Jon Matza: Yes Pony, but there's one thing your clever little disquisition conveniently fails to address. Namely, how and to what extent does Disney's piece address the pressing issue of how we are moving forward in our application of the North American ideal of preservation and the stewardship of our vital natural rezources?

01/18/2005 Mr. Pony: Well, I guess I hadn't thought of that. This round to you, sir!

01/18/2005 Shane Mahoney: Let me lay this out as clearly as possible: I don't like to come between an outdoorsman and his experience of our vital natural rezources, but the fact of the matter is that the Dakar Rally destroys approximately 7,000 hectares of cryptogamic soil each year, disrupting the fragile ecosystem that supports such native species as the kangaroo mouse, the scarab beetle, and of course, the rictus crane.

01/18/2005 Mr. Pony: Shane, where do they hold the Dakar Rally?

01/18/2005 Shane Mahoney: Mr. Pony: Last winter, I had the pleasure of hunting white-tails in Elkton, just off the southern tip of the Welthaber Penninsula. The teutonic horns redounded through the briney mist, stirring our cockels, calling to something deep within us, a part of ourselves many in our party had presumed dead. Yes, the denizens of this community have husbanded their natural rezources admirably.

01/19/2005 Mr. Pony: And Shane, what were some of those natural rezources? Aside from cryptogamic soil, that is?

01/19/2005 Shane Mahoney: Mr. Pony: I have witnessed the demise of Newfoundland’s famed cod fishery. As stewards of our natural rezources, we need to better understand our interaction with nature and appreciate the miraclulous perpetuity of conservation through judicious use.

I call on you to ponder humankind's hunting and gathering roots. Our history as a species is enmeshed with our fellow animals. So why would our interest be anything but aroused? Humankind's survival has always depended on the tracking, capture, and killing of our precious natural rezources (on one particular hunt, I stalked Mt. Rainier for 11 days before killing it, so enthralled was I by its beauty).

We humans have redirected our hunting instincts to sports. Cheering as if our subsistence depended on his success, we are transfixed as the quarterback measures time, distance and the trajectory of the football — just as the bowhunter of yore measured those same attributes while stalking a saber-toothed rictus crane. It forces us to ask, what role ought we humans play in the natural world — virile user or perverse voyeur?

01/19/2005 Mr. Pony: Shane, I don't know a lot about football; what does "flag on the play" mean?

01/19/2005 Shane Mahoney: Mr. Pony: Hunting is the deliberate journey toward a higher understanding of the complex relationship between birth and death.

01/19/2005 Mr. Pony: But what if the guy didn't mean to be off-to-the-side? What if it was an accident, or the other guy just threw the ball too soon? That doesn't strike me as a fair rule.

01/19/2005 Shane Mahoney: Mr. Pony: I call on all hunters, anglers, and environmentalists to set aside your differences and band together to stop the irreplaceable loss of natural rezources.

01/19/2005 Mr. Pony: Strong words from the guy who killed Mt. Rainier.

01/19/2005 Cyrus: I have contacted a small group of hunters and presented your idea Shane. They have agreed to change their angle and go after as many environmentalists as can be found.