AcmeShorts

Investigative Report Pt. 1

Sure, he was the murder “victim”, but was he really a victim exactly? I mean, everyone agreed he had it coming, or “needed killin’” as his stupid, idiot, redneck, retarded neighbors might have said if I had asked them. As an investigative reporter, it was my duty to ask. And I did my doody all right – all over the floor. But I did not ask them. Could not be bothered to. And you know what? I don’t regret it!

Consider these facts. “Jon”, which is the pseudonym I’ll use just because it’s so goddamn common on this site, would run around town with a bullseye taped to his crotch and a carrot suspended by a stick hanging in front of his face. He would run around like an idiot – a carrot and a stick! This man was ridiculous. It’s the fucking carrot or the stick. Jesus fucking christ.

In the course of my investigations, I got to know “Jon”’s mother. Man, she was a hot little tart. I used to fool her into thinking I cared about her. HA! What about my journalistic objectivity, woman? God, I had her fooled. I would be having sex with her, and I would be thinking about journalism. I couldn’t even hardly keep it up! You know why? Because journalism is a boner-killer.

Kansas is a lonely state. I watched the winds blowing over the corn many mornings. The winds – whatever. The winds. I’ll tell you one thing. This guy “Jon” – which is to say Steve Stark – I just can’t tell – the winds, jesus, I dunno…
Date Written: October 22, 2003
Author: Will Disney
Average Vote: 4.5
Comments:
10/22/2003 anonymous (2):
10/22/2003 anonymous (5):
10/23/2003 Texxx (5): This is quite astounding. First of all, it's completely crazy. Second of all, it's able to integrate the fiction of the story with an altogether different level of fiction, that being the effect this site has on the 'alleged' writer. Third of all, he's so sloppy, he blows the alias at the end. Fourth of all, I'm Steve Stark. Sh*t!
11/25/2003 tankini (5): Yes, as Texxx says this is totally crazy. I like it!
12/31/2003 scoop (4): F you will. Journalism is noble and stuff.
02/13/2004 throg (4): "Journalism is a boner-killer." Now that's good stuff!
03/31/2004 Jon Matza (5): This may be my favorite Disney short. So why haven't I voted on it till now? Eh?
04/19/2004 Mr. Pony (5): I want you to know that I am friends with a journalist, and this short totally captures the essence of journalism and what it means to be a journalist. Your research has served you well.
08/5/2005 Jon Matza: For further reading, detailed stats for Steve Stark as of 07-24-2005 can be found here.
08/27/2005 The Rid (5): Disney, you fucking rule.
05/17/2007 Master Bates (5): yup! boner-killer, all right... And the winds are windy. I like Wichita, though, the 'Paris of the Prairie'.
09/5/2008 TheBuyer (4.5):
09/5/2008 qualcomm (5): *submitted with chrome*
09/10/2008 Jon Matza: Update: detailed stats for Steve Stark are now current through 01-03-2007 and may be accessed here.