AcmeShorts

Crush-Depth Halliday and Rapid-Deployment Burke skipped through CENTCOM and straight into the office of General Prat who was using his favorite Fragonard embossed compact to adjust his headband for maximum gayness.

"It's over, it's over," they trilled while jumping up and down and playfully pawing one another. Their glee was, if you haven't already guessed, irrepressible.

"Gentlemen, could you please be more specific," lisped Prat as he turned his attention from his headband to the liberal application of rouge to his sallow skin.

"Why, the war, silly! The war! Those horrible, beastly men have surrendered, Sir!"

"Is that so, boys?" The General raised an approving eyebrow at his good self before turning, in wobbly contrapposto, to face his mincing charges. He performed some mouth exercises and then histrionically brayed the news to the rest of the men.

Everyone in CENTCOM got physical, obviously, and presently a chorus of "Oh, What Merry Soldiers Are We!" broke out. The Chaplain slipped a 7-inch on the deck, dropping some hypnotic beats that led us thankfully into the commercial break.

Date Written: February 6, 2004
Author: Dylan Danko
Average Vote: 4.5
Comments:
02/13/2004 anonymous (5):
02/13/2004 Ewan Snow (5): I laughed harder at the first paragraph than at any short in living memory. First rate short in the classic form.
02/13/2004 qualcomm (3): this sounds like danko doing a snow impression.
02/13/2004 anonymous: Feldspar is trying to trick Danko into giving it five stars, by pretending he thinks Danko wrote it and giving it three stars. Pretty clever...
02/13/2004 qualcomm: so, your theory is that i wrote it, anon_a?
02/13/2004 anonymous: Yes. Then you give it three stars (which doesn't count) and Dylan comes along and, of course, disagrees with you. "Are you kidding?? This deserves five stars! Feldspar just gave it three because he thought I wrote it. I'll show him!" Quite sneaky...
02/13/2004 Dylan Danko: Ah, so it is personal Feldy. Anyway, damn good short. Not guilty.
02/13/2004 Dylan Danko: Anon, Danko would not wallow in Feldspar's puss filled pools of bias and childish retribution.
02/13/2004 anonymous: Perhaps, but that doesn't mean that Feldspar wouldn't assume you would...
02/13/2004 Dylan Danko: Quite right. He's a silly little git isn't he?
02/13/2004 anonymous: So, are you going to let him win or not? You said it was funny. You should give it five stars just to prove you're above that shit, no?
02/13/2004 qualcomm: either ewan is playing a shell game with this anon_a or danko is.
02/13/2004 qualcomm: yeah, dylan, don't let me win. i'm winning!
02/13/2004 anonymous: You should cut it out Feldspar, you're starting to look foolish as well as petty. But Danko, come on! Rate this fucker if you liked it asshole!
02/13/2004 senator (3): ahh...it was so, so. I giggled after I read it again. The first time, nothing.
02/13/2004 qualcomm: petty? foolish??
02/13/2004 Craig Lewis (5): Even I know this is Feldspar. (Is that a typo in the final sentence: "onto to the deck"?)
02/13/2004 anonymous: Dylan, you're not going to let Feldspar get away with this are you?
02/13/2004 scoop (4): I admit, I'm the author. I love my first graf, where I evoked the best of the tradition of acmeshorts. I also loved the name and my associating an obscure Rococo artist with homosexuality. And I was particulalry smitten with my last graf where I send this already strange scene head on in to the carnival of the surreal. I'm a fucking genius!
02/13/2004 anonymous: I think Scoop's a liar. First, Fragonard is not so obscure, and he's long been associated with homosexuality. In fact he's one of the wussiest painters in history. The only things is that somehow the last "graph" doesn't sound like Feldspar. The dance and fade to black is a little on the cliched side. Therefore Scoop is telling the truth.
02/13/2004 Ewan Snow: Okay, okay, I wrote it. I was doing my Danko impression as Feldspar guessed...
02/13/2004 Jon Matza (5): Yuh.
02/13/2004 Mr. Pony: Graf. Vaaj.
02/13/2004 qualcomm: matza, i think you just voted 5 for a danko, possibly even a texxx, forgery of a snowshort.
02/13/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): That is most certainly what I am talking about.
02/13/2004 Jon Matza: If a short had the word 'the' in it, you'd call it a forgery, brother.
02/13/2004 qualcomm: it's a forgery. and i will extract my due when proven correct. brother.
02/13/2004 Jon Matza: If Texxx wrote this, I'll eat my own cock for breakfast tomorrow morning.
02/14/2004 Dylan Danko: Holy Fuck! This short was so fricken (as Jimson would say) great! Lewis, the typo in the last sentence should have given it away. Scoop, how dare you give this only 4 stars. All naysayers can take the long bloody slide to hell! ...i'm totally sober.
02/14/2004 Dylan Danko: Disney, does one get some sort of prize for "Short of the Week?" I wouldn't know but I'm just asking? Where do I collect it? I'm thinking Fed-Ex would be the easiest. No?
02/14/2004 Will Disney: It's good to see you asserting yourself, Dylan.
02/14/2004 Dylan Danko: I owe it all to my therapist!
02/14/2004 Mr. Pony (5): Yeah, this thing deserves it, mostly because of the musical number at the end.
02/14/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: No way, Pony, that's the only weak link!
02/14/2004 Mr. Pony: Why, Ms. Jimson, there's not other way it could end! Have some respect for tradition!
02/14/2004 Ewan Snow: Actually, that Jimson comment was from me, not her. But I beg to differ. The ending has been done many times; there's a joke from the Simpsons that is nearly identical.
02/14/2004 Phony Millions (4): great premise, great imagery.
02/14/2004 Mr. Pony: Like I said.
02/15/2004 Dylan Danko: There's no real musical number at the end. They break out with a round of a made up song but then it becomes some sort of techno party/rave because those are gay. Just for clarification.
02/15/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Yes, techno pary rave is the precise joke that's in the Simpsons.
02/15/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: That was Ewan typing on that last comment...
02/15/2004 Jon Matza: What about that one?
02/15/2004 Ewan Snow: That was me too.
02/15/2004 Jon Matza: Am I to suppose my last remark was yours, too?
02/15/2004 Jimson S. Sorghum: Why, yes....
02/17/2004 Dylan Danko: Are you guys married or something?
09/29/2004 John Slocum (5): Lovely pace, lovely rhythm, lovely imagery, detail work. Nice work, man.
01/14/2005 TheBuyer (5):