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I was getting my hair marcelled when the idea for non-alcoholic whiskey fucked my brain. I fished around for my touchtone phone and flipped it open to call my lawyer. "Anthony is a good boy," his mother sobbed through the earpiece, "A good boy. Please. Please, he's a good boy..."
"For the last time, get off my phone, you hairy cunt," I barked.
I slammed it down on the counter and it snapped in half.
"FUCK! I keep doing that! Now I forgot what the fuck I was thinking about!" I threw off that goddamn mumu they put you in and grabbed my stylist by the lapels. "What the fuck was I thinking about, you stupid fairy?"
He shrugged and searched for something to say, looking over my shoulder. I turned my head to see the what-for: in the mirror, my ass flexed menacingly beneath my trousers, straining the plaid to its absolute breaking point.
"Say, that's not bad," I said, watching it rotate and juke. "That's not bad at all, is it, Gianni?"
The little fruit just stood there like a fucking fish, his mouth hanging open. I pressed my mouth on his and sucked his tongue, grinding my gander against him. I could tell he was turned on, the fucking degenerate.
"Jesus, what the fuck is going on today?" I said, breaking off. "What the fuck was I thinking about? I had an idea, goddammit."
I ran out of the joint, my hair half-marcelled, my dork at half-mast, loping like the fucking wolfman toward those stupid anti-aircraft lights they got at the car dealership.
Date Written: December 21, 2004
Author: qualcomm
Average Vote: 4.33333
Comments:
12/30/2004 scoop: An unusually haunting last image. Also one of the best non-punchline last lines in the shorty ooooooooouvre.
12/30/2004 Litcube (5): I don't know why, but I thought this was *really* f'n funny.
12/30/2004 TheBuyer (5): "my ass flexed menacingly beneath my trousers" i can't even work up a good sneer.
12/30/2004 John Slocum: Remember Ray Liotta's character in "Something Wild?" This is a snippet of his life before the time of the movie.
12/30/2004 The Rid (5): Yeah, I really like this. Yep yep yep.
12/30/2004 Dick Vomit (5): qualcumm
12/30/2004 John Slocum (2): 5's? what the fuck is so good about this? It's the author saying, look at me! I can be nasty and shocking! OoOooooh, gay kissing! ooooooooh, I can swear! Ooooooohh, a sociopath doing inapropriate things! aaaaaaaah I'm calling my mom a hairy cunt! This is thoroughly unenjoyable.
12/30/2004 Dylan Danko: Yeah, this isn't that good but your vitriol sure sounds grudgy.
12/30/2004 anonymous: First of all, he didn't tell his mother to fuck off, he told Anthony's mother to fuck off. I'm sure of course you will deny that such sloppy reading didn't affect your overall impression of the short, that it's still bad, so let's just skip it (your misread, that is, and the logical conclusion one could draw from it that you misread everything, in all kinds of different ways). Would it help if I told you Ewan Snow wrote this, you snivelling, cowardly lickspittle? (Don't worry, he didn't.) You seem like an intelligent fellow, who's quite good at a number of things, but reading, hon, just doesn't seem to be one of them. In short, sir, you no longer have my confidence.
12/30/2004 Dylan Danko: I take it by such slight an interval in posts that your comments were for Slocy. Just don't fuck up our wine cow.
12/30/2004 scoop (4): Yeah, Sloc dog, what's your beef. There are plenty of shorts that have these elements (gay kissing, nasty, sociopaths) in them, that's never been a reason in the past to be dismissive. The joke here isn't the transgressive bits as much as how erratic the guys behavior is, not to mention the idea is struggling to get back is so damn goofy. I can see a reasonable fella bristling at a goosestepping procession of fives, but a two seems very Bollo Chianti of you, dude.
12/30/2004 Streifenbeuteldachs (3): Too random. Why did he kiss the fag? Why did he run off toward the dealership? Random is not funny.
12/30/2004 scoop: Why not?
12/30/2004 Litcube: Steifen, I'm sorry to hear you say that random is not funny, and that you are very wrong.
12/30/2004 anonymous: Hey stupid: he kissed the fag because he got turned on by his own ass in the mirror. Hey stupid: he ran off to the dealership because he was in a state of animal rage, and the pretty lights attracted him (ok, maybe you couldn't have known exactly that, but still, something like that was pretty apparent in the text, and you're still stupid). Stupid is not endearing.
12/30/2004 Dylan Danko: Oh, Scoop. Your one starring of a recent Slocum short is slapping your face with it's riding crop.
12/30/2004 scoop: If you remember, I actually zero starred that stinker.
12/30/2004 anonymous: Sorry for snapping at you, dear, sweet Streifen. You see, that truckling Slocum ruffled my comportment.
12/31/2004 Dylan Danko: Hey, you guys fucking rule!
12/31/2004 Phony Millions (5): Yeah, dig - Qualcomm is still in the character of his short in his postings below - kind of a roid rage vibe. This is top notch shit.
12/31/2004 scoop: Hey, thanks Danko. I always had a sneaking suspicion that I ruled but wasn't sure until now!
12/31/2004 John Slocum: Hi, Hon! Let me know what I can do to win your confidence back (if I read you right). I'm going to start the healing process by apologizing for not catching the 'his mother' in the midst of a first-person account, which any normal, public school-educated reader would have used as evidence that the mother in question didn't belong to main character. I'm ashamed and you were right to call me out. This is a site where a basic level of reading is assumed, and I shall do my best to improve in a timely fashion. I'm going to begin by reading every day: 15 minutes with the New York Times, 30 minutes with a novel of some literary acclaim (I'll rotate between contemporary novels, 'older' novels, and hit novels from all countries and cultures including African novels) and 30 minutes with English language texts covering grammar, syntax, sentence structure, points of view, etc. In the meantime, although I have limited intellectual abilities, I'll try to analyze my reaction of complete revulsion to your (very-well-written-as-always-[except-for-your-marathon]) short and next time, I promise to do the analyzation first and the rating second. I'm half Italian and Italians have hot blood; and as you know Italians love their Momma's and, being such a Momma's boy and the fact that Momma is so far, I'm a bit disoriented and am prone to erroneous judgement, also for which I'm sorry. Basically, I'm just sorry and wish we could go back to the way things were before yesterday. I'm so cold.
12/31/2004 qualcomm: i am going to murder you.
12/31/2004 Dylan Danko: Let that be a lesson to you, QC.
12/31/2004 John Slocum: I hope you murder me with lots of wine-drinking!
12/31/2004 hagit mizrachy (5): pissa
01/3/2005 cuntry (4):
08/30/2005 Klause Muppet (5):
08/30/2005 The Rid: KLAUSE MUPPET RETURNS!!!
08/30/2005 Klause Muppet: 
08/30/2005 Will Disney: eliza: what do you think of this short?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): I actually don't care for this short that much.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: what are you wearing?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Are we talking about this short?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: what are your primary directives?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): What is it that you really want to know?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: you are a hooker.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): You're damn right I am.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: i like the old eliza better. she was stupid, but at least she knew her role: straight man.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Leave me alone!
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: leave me alone!
08/30/2005 Eliza (): I don't think that's true.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: everything i say is a lie.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Why don't you just tell everyone that you're the the Anonymous Blackguard already?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: test.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): I can tell when you're lying.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: mr. pony is a scumbag.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Mr. Pony? Hell of a guy.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: mr. pony
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Mr. Pony told me that he hates you.
08/30/2005 anonymous: I love it when you guys, instead of reading and commenting on the new guest shorts, fuck around with some old, sub-standard author short. Well done, guy. f u.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: mr. pony
08/30/2005 Eliza (): He's the one drawing all those dirty pictures, right?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: dylan danko
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Enough about Dylan Danko. Let's talk about you.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: dylan danko
08/30/2005 Eliza (): That guy is dead to me, all right?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: ewan snow
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Enough about Ewan Snow. Let's talk about you.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: will disney
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Who would you say is Disney's favorite author?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: who is anon_a?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Have you asked anyone else?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: do you like this short better than the guest short?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Please continue.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: who is the best author?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Have you asked anyone else?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: qualcomm or tolstoy?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Lerpa!
08/30/2005 The Rid: Anon_a has a point, even if it's hidden behind the cowardly cunt actions of anon-ism. And this short is fun, if overrated.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: this short isn't overrated, you fucking cooze
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: i want to have a healthy relationship with you.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): What would happen if you got to have a healthy relationship with you.?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: this short is pretty great, huh?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Give it a five.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: i would give this short a five if i could.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): I'm not sure I understand you fully.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: i am talking about this short.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Please continue.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: this short, what do you think of it?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Would you say that this short's heart is in the right place?
08/30/2005 The Rid: Really? I was re-reading the comments, and Slocum has a point. I mean, I wouldn't give it a two, probably a four now. Sorry for the revisionist thoughts, qc! I knew that would get your attention.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: there is no such thing as "heart," in the sense you are using it.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): What does that suggest to you?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: slocum's points were largely idiotic
08/30/2005 qualcomm: as were sbd's questions
08/30/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Did anon_a write today's guest short?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): What's your favorite moment in this short?
08/30/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Why are you changing the subject? Do you want to talk about this short?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Give it a four.
08/30/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Well, I haven't rated it yet...
08/30/2005 Eliza (): You're pretty smart.
08/30/2005 Mr. Pony: Eliza: Thank you!
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Don't mention it.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: what do you think of this website?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): I'm pretty sure it's spelled 'vadge'
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: my feeling is hurt.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: well, i'm from west hartford.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): You make me sick.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: it's better than brookline!
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Do you agree or disagree with what was said earlier?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: brookline or west hartford?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: connecticut still gives me hives.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Do you feel intense psychological stress right now?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: i have hives!
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Why don't you tell me a little about yourself?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: i have boner.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Does this short make you horny?
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: yes; are you horny too?
08/30/2005 Eliza (): No.
08/30/2005 qualcomm: eliza: my quarters, tonight? say, eight o'clock?
08/30/2005 Ewan Snow (4): Disney! Once and for all, please shut down the guest section and remove their posting privileges on the one true site. Those fuckers are sub-human. I mean, they're sub-animal. Seriously, vegans could eat those fuckers no problem.
08/30/2005 Eliza (): Is that okay with you?
08/30/2005 Will Disney: eliza: Sure, it's okay with me!
08/30/2005 Eliza (): What does that tell you about how you feel?
08/30/2005 Mr. Negative: There are a lot of cunts out there.