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Once time my uncle Jimmy was suffering a severe bout of the ass. He smelled like shit, he was always pale and sweaty, and he had really bad breath. His cheeks swelled up like a chipmunk's, and he had a couple of those huge face-changing zits that were impossible not to look at. His mouth looked like a little button hole. And actually, ironically, he couldn't take a shit. I remember him complaining about that. Also, his wife may or may not have been cheating on him, so that didn't help. But he grinned and beared it and just said: "Hey. Every man woman and child suffers from this at one time or another, and I'm no different". He was a soldier.

Unfortunately, Jimmy recently shot himself in the back of his new Saturn SUV - one of those ones that have recently been recalled - but there's no evidence that it had anything to do with his lengthy case of the ass. And it happened before the Saturn recall actually took place. I'm not really sure if he was having any problems with the car or whatever. Come to think of it, I don't really know why he killed himself. I guess I didn't know him all that well. But Jimmy is a bad example. It's fresh in my mind, so maybe that's why I'm thinking about him. But the facts are this: everyone gets the ass.

Date Written: August 13, 2004
Author: Benny Maniacs
Average Vote: 3.25

08/19/2004 John Slocum: 3 or 4 - hard to say, I like some things and don't like some things....will wait.
08/19/2004 qualcomm (2): i think this stinks. ha ha ha ha ha ha!
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko (3): Is this Benny?
08/19/2004 Benny Maniacs: Yeah.
08/19/2004 anonymous: What was it, the case of the ass? The Uncle Jimmy part? I need to know why I'm not funny.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: it's hard to explain. you'll have to trust me that this is a stinker. there's something very old about whyever it is we're supposed to laugh at the phrase "case of the ass." (if slocum gives you a four, disregard that; he often gives mediocre shorts high ratings, and good ones low ratings, as a strategy for maintaining his high ranking.)
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: MONOLITH ACTIVATE!
08/19/2004 TheBuyer: I laughed my ass off at Mikey Leotard if that helps, B.M
08/19/2004 John Slocum: I just re-read and think this is about a 3, so I'm giving it a 4 to 'bring' OSS's vote to the more accurate 3 (2 is wrong, OSS, just like you were wrong about that wine not being corked [nice work Danko]). I love paragraph 2 and think it would stand on it's own. The set-up which is graf 1 is what I sort of don't like, that is to say, the idea of an illness called a case of the ass if funny, but not so deep, not that funny, therefore why make the reader go through the first paragraph? The second one does the job of explanation. I like the voice of the narrator, he's kind of simple and illogical, it's funny how he suffers from a lack of clarity, and how his thinking devolves at the end so he doesn't really know what he's talking about and realizes it (sort of like me right now as I rush through this). If the short consisted of only the 2nd and 3rd grafs, I would give 4 stars (as opposed to the 4 stars I gave this). OSS - I love you.
08/19/2004 John Slocum (4): ooops, hahahaha!
08/19/2004 John Slocum: Sorry, one more thing (and this has nothing to do with the rating: It's 'bear' not 'bare' (unless you're dropping wordplay, in which case I'm sorry).
08/19/2004 qualcomm: that wine wasn't corked you fucking charlatan
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: OSS likes corked wine.
08/19/2004 John Slocum: wine doesn't go with food
08/19/2004 qualcomm: slocum, you are incorrect: the idea of an illness called the ass is not funny, it sucks. please think over your opinion until you realize it is wrong.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: and wine, in fact, doesn't go very well with food. please consider this revolutionary concept until you realize it is right. don't be taken in by what bukowski called "accepted beauty." thank you.
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: Yeah , Slocum, please consider that revolutionary concept which you already considered when you made the comment.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: slocum, please call your dog off.
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: (excuse me, rambunctious young fellows) One point here: while the substance of graf 3 may be unremarkable, Maniacs' execution of the narrator's shifting train of thought is sweetmeat. Please turn your attention to this.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: ah, it's okay, matza. nothing to get very excited about.
08/19/2004 qualcomm: some other items: the replacements are as bland as oatmeal, the lord of the rings trilogy is expensive hackwork and the olympics are boring. thank you.
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: Well I guess you haven't been watching the synchronized diving then have you???
08/19/2004 qualcomm: no. is it woodpile?
08/19/2004 Ewan Snow: By woodpile, do you mean bundle of sticks? OSS, why don't you change your band name to Bundle of Sticks?
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: Less Woodpile than Raging Slab
08/19/2004 Benny Maniacs (5): I give Bundle of Sticks five stars.
08/19/2004 John Slocum: Matza, agreed about greouf 3, already commended it in my dissertation.
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: Only in passing, Slocum. I felt that it deserved just a bit more time the sweet limelight than your stingy, ungenerous comment allowed for.
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: in the sweet limelight
08/19/2004 Mr. Pony (4): The first paragraph sort of reads like an SAT reading comprehension test. And while there is some real good stuff going on in the sidelines, I think it's all ultimately hobbled by the core joke, the "case of ass" joke, and all the silly bits of wordplay that surround it. My vote is rounded up to make up for my misdemeanor low rating of Mikey Leotard.
08/19/2004 anonymous: Just so you know I edited this one, allowing for some of the Acme writers to scoff, while simultaneously birthing a better, sleeker short short unto this world.
08/19/2004 scoop: coward
08/19/2004 John Slocum: should be grinned and bore it. Newton North doesn't teach grammar, etc.
08/19/2004 Mr. Pony: However, if he's smiling, then pulling his pants down around his knees, then "bared" is right, neh?
08/19/2004 Benny Maniacs: Although I lived in the Newton North district, I actually took all my English classes at Brookline High.
08/19/2004 Dylan Danko: You took all your high school english classes at Devotion, Benny.
08/19/2004 Jon Matza: Did you have Dr. Thomas?
08/20/2004 Benny Maniacs: I was the reason Dr. Thomas got kicked out for indecent behavior with a student.