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Shorts from Ewan Snow

What if I start to feel emotions? by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
Lacking the necessary enzymes to digest the entire rabbit at once… by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
Up in the mountains above Hallowed Creek… by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
Why won't you believe me? by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
We live in a tender, weakened now, by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
What weighs more, a ton of bricks, or a metric tonne of bricks? by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
What's the secret to your success, Mr Sternum? by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
When Knanslaw’s habituator petered out... by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
There is little hope of ever making filthy each clean new by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
No single humanoid is better than any other single humanoid! by Ewan Snow on December 30, 1899
7-10 split by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
The Mad Scientist’s Back Room Dealings by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
Ingrid refused to dance on anything but a freshly polished... by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
Parisian Lovescape by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
Tender Anymore by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
High Mohs Member by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
The Love You Eat is Equal to the Love You Shit by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
A Parable Without a Message by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
Another Bad Poem by Another Lazy Poet by Ewan Snow on January 26, 1996
Hello, hello, it’s so nice of you to come. by Ewan Snow on September 11, 1999
On a certain Satuday in the year of 200- by Ewan Snow on March 05, 2000
What happened to little Checter's college fund? by Ewan Snow on May 13, 2001
How many planets and moons are there in the solar system? by Ewan Snow on March 20, 2002
Sally put her hand on Dusty’s cheek. by Ewan Snow on March 30, 2002
How dare a pigeon try to pass as a ‘dove’? by Ewan Snow on March 30, 2002
Jerry finished his coffee and asked for the check. by Ewan Snow on April 11, 2002
Edward held the Wet-Wet Suzy doll over her face... by Ewan Snow on April 15, 2002
Once Fredrick decided that Eileen was dead to him, he wasted no time in plotting her murder. by Ewan Snow on April 15, 2002
I was once told of an old man who lived in East Granby... by Ewan Snow on April 16, 2002
When Eliza discovered that Alfred was inviting that hussy… by Ewan Snow on April 24, 2002
The boardroom filled up as young Riechek plugged his laptop into the projector. by Ewan Snow on April 24, 2002
Regarding the matter of your grades this semester by Ewan Snow on April 24, 2002
A Christmas Short Short by Ewan Snow on April 27, 2002
The Funny, Funny Name of Procto Schematticca by Ewan Snow on May 18, 2002
Only perfect girls die in ditches. by Ewan Snow on May 19, 2002
What can we learn about ourselves by investigating our clothes? by Ewan Snow on July 03, 2002
I lounged on the beach, following the adventures of David Copperfield. by Ewan Snow on July 08, 2002
Kronos Regalia led his guests through the hedge maze by Ewan Snow on July 11, 2002
Only through torture could Herbert find pleasure. by Ewan Snow on August 01, 2002
Where Dildo’s Dare - A Blowjob in Four Lines by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
Young Desmond Oliphant craved cock. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
When Edna realized the their hopes were dashed, she decided to sell her shares in Martin’s youth orchestra. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
Lush vegetation encroached on a small clearing dappled in summer sun. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
All of his best ideas were id oriented, know what I mean. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
Call upon your minions to whisper dark lies in your ears, Lucullus by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
He whistled the Family anthem. by Ewan Snow on August 20, 2002
Benjamin McGory didn’t believe in second chances. by Ewan Snow on September 21, 2002
Frank knew what was beeswax and what was mumbo-fucking-jumbo. by Ewan Snow on November 05, 2002
Dylan Zimmerman felt claustrophobic as he strolled down lower Broadway by Ewan Snow on December 06, 2002
Behind a rusty dumpster, beneath a wet limp sheet of cardboard… by Ewan Snow on December 09, 2002
The concierge, Leland McCormick, stood at his station with stiff resolve. by Ewan Snow on December 15, 2002
Lola Bung-Hilda, the beautiful heiress to a wooden denture fortune… by Ewan Snow on December 20, 2002
With an admirable disregard for public opinion, Dylan and Jon Frenched at the bar. by Ewan Snow on February 05, 2003
Cranium McGee dipped his quill in ox blood, despite the warnings of corrosion offered by his art instructor. by Ewan Snow on February 21, 2003
I feel so emotional sometimes. by Ewan Snow on February 21, 2003
I knew you'd never pull through for me. Duncan always said you were a creep. by Ewan Snow on February 23, 2003
Doctor, doctor, what's the news? by Ewan Snow on February 24, 2003
By relegating Constantine to the position of Rear Admiral... by Ewan Snow on February 24, 2003
Reginald slipped his sweaty hands into the back pockets of his Geranimals by Ewan Snow on February 25, 2003
“Low-rent mystery cults can’t hold a shit wick to our sacred demiurge..." by Ewan Snow on February 26, 2003
“I imagine a world full of hope..." by Ewan Snow on February 26, 2003
“Nurse, I need suction.” by Ewan Snow on March 14, 2003
She walked into my office carrying a small silver platter on which by Ewan Snow on March 15, 2003
A Scene (Re-imagined by Ewan Snow) That Actually Happened (According to Phony Millions) by Ewan Snow on March 21, 2003
“Desperate times call for desperate clocks” by Ewan Snow on March 26, 2003
Pascal Devonshire fantasized about taking a radial saw to his skull by Ewan Snow on April 07, 2003
“What’s your major?” by Ewan Snow on April 09, 2003
Down by the lakefront the grass gets deep by Ewan Snow on April 09, 2003
On Failure in the Acme Community, A Scathing Indictment by Ewan Snow on April 09, 2003
Dedication
with Greatest Honor
to Simile Blane by Ewan Snow on April 10, 2003
First You Get The Truck by Ewan Snow on April 11, 2003
Feedbag Jefferson spent the night guzzling Dr. Pepper by Ewan Snow on May 14, 2003
“Lorgnette never liked you, Drake... by Ewan Snow on May 14, 2003
Ordinary claims require ordinary proof by Ewan Snow on May 16, 2003
“Should tillers of soil despair at the weight of life?” by Ewan Snow on May 16, 2003
Dearest Philippe, Don’t hate me! by Ewan Snow on May 18, 2003
Cramped “Quarters” Chromatone rotated the plus-sized BenWa balls... by Ewan Snow on May 21, 2003
The little river bubbled over the pebbles at the bend... by Ewan Snow on May 28, 2003
Crème Fresh zipped up his pants... by Ewan Snow on June 09, 2003
Chaco slipped into his bib by Ewan Snow on June 11, 2003
“Let h represent all your hopes and dreams... by Ewan Snow on June 22, 2003
fonnet Infcribed on a Time-fwept ftone by Ewan Snow on June 22, 2003
“Are you almost done?” by Ewan Snow on July 01, 2003
Lost and Found Short Short by Ewan Snow on July 12, 2003
Old School Short by Ewan Snow on July 17, 2003
Star Wars Fan Sonnet #119 by Ewan Snow on July 24, 2003
If only to be held, to be loved… by Ewan Snow on July 27, 2003
Meltdown Permanente crapped religious... by Ewan Snow on July 27, 2003
Regular Space Fan Fiction by Ewan Snow on July 30, 2003
“Tarpit Crapulenza said this place was real horny” by Ewan Snow on August 04, 2003
“Oh God!” screamed Bud. “I got here as fast as I could." by Ewan Snow on August 06, 2003
The street looked dirty and there weren’t many people out. by Ewan Snow on August 07, 2003
We set up base camp at twenty-five thousand feet. by Ewan Snow on August 10, 2003
True Story – Fall Semester, 1990 by Ewan Snow on August 22, 2003
A Long Time Coming by Ewan Snow on August 23, 2003
Portrait of the Artist by Ewan Snow on August 24, 2003
Funny Short by Ewan Snow on August 27, 2003
Tenka Schperdorf plied her wares down by the harbor of nights. by Ewan Snow on August 27, 2003
“Communication” + “Unity” = “Community” by Ewan Snow on August 27, 2003
Oh, dear me, dear me! by Ewan Snow on September 02, 2003
The Dinner Party by Ewan Snow on September 03, 2003
True Story -- 1985 by Ewan Snow on September 05, 2003
“Construction paper puppets, oak tag tigers… by Ewan Snow on September 16, 2003
Flax Garvy chined the spring pig... by Ewan Snow on September 19, 2003
The moment you’ve been waiting for your whole life will never come by Ewan Snow on September 20, 2003
The Pontifex Maximus took off his pointy hat by Ewan Snow on September 22, 2003
Monday morning cigarette smoke... by Ewan Snow on October 01, 2003
Inside his immaculate fortress... by Ewan Snow on November 26, 2003
Coup D’Tocqueville knew all the angles... by Ewan Snow on December 03, 2003
Mittens by Ewan Snow on December 06, 2003
Dear Rita, by Ewan Snow on December 06, 2003
Like the Cockroach it Was by Ewan Snow on December 06, 2003
Immured within the high walls... by Ewan Snow on December 29, 2003
“Horny thoughts, expressed in the clearest and plainest of terms..." by Ewan Snow on January 01, 2004
Jen and I knew it was gonna be lame... by Ewan Snow on January 15, 2004
I rode into Carson City with a pocketful of silver... by Ewan Snow on January 15, 2004
Hemorrhoid Story by Ewan Snow on January 23, 2004
“This marriage isn’t working, Otto..." by Ewan Snow on January 26, 2004
“Hello, Frankie, how was school?” by Ewan Snow on February 06, 2004
Fragment 7a by Ewan Snow on February 15, 2004
Untitled by Ewan Snow on February 18, 2004
Planned Neglect by Ewan Snow on February 27, 2004
by Ewan Snow on March 01, 2004
Good Luck by Ewan Snow on March 09, 2004
Joke by Ewan Snow on March 11, 2004
Whenever I hear somebody refer to a vagina... by Ewan Snow on March 12, 2004
“How many rocks do you have there... by Ewan Snow on March 16, 2004
“Yeah, LunkLink used to write good shorts... by Ewan Snow on March 16, 2004
“Hey, Crackers, why are you squatting down there with my keepsakes?” by Ewan Snow on March 16, 2004
General Choade spent the afternoon trying to weaponize his wife. by Ewan Snow on March 17, 2004
When Sonia arrived in New York, Penn Station was nearly deserted. by Ewan Snow on April 04, 2004
Metamorphosis by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2004
Dr. Ptolemy Telegenicles fielded questions from the press. by Ewan Snow on May 20, 2004
“Imagine the story of a man..." by Ewan Snow on May 21, 2004
Sylvia pulled out her tampon and threw it in the trash. by Ewan Snow on June 09, 2004
The volcanic swelter... by Ewan Snow on June 11, 2004
Loneliness waits in quiet corridors by Ewan Snow on June 16, 2004
“When I look back at the slow shady days of childhood..." by Ewan Snow on June 16, 2004
The Ancient Order of Acme by Ewan Snow on June 23, 2004
The Old Man flaked the crusty net onto the deck. by Ewan Snow on July 15, 2004
I got a new doctor, a lady doctor, and even though she wasn’t all that hot, she really turned me on. by Ewan Snow on July 26, 2004
“I feel like a failure.” by Ewan Snow on August 13, 2004
What if they invented a force field? by Ewan Snow on October 12, 2004
“Hey, Greco, why the dumb face?” by Ewan Snow on October 12, 2004
I’m building a small wooden box in which I intend to spend the rest of my life. by Ewan Snow on November 04, 2004
The Stench of the Soil by Ewan Snow on November 12, 2004
Consider this its epitaph. by Ewan Snow on November 22, 2004
Prelude to a Regret by Ewan Snow on December 01, 2004
I peeled off my sock and examined the large open sore on my instep. by Ewan Snow on December 02, 2004
The Plot Against Tatooine by Ewan Snow on December 20, 2004
I was having an existential crisis... by Ewan Snow on December 30, 2004
The gay godfather by Ewan Snow on January 03, 2005
Who wrote this one? by Ewan Snow on January 19, 2005
Butch pulled off his cap... by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
A dense and wild forest... by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
I’m not willing to compromise. by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
untitled by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
I don’t presume to tell you your business. by Ewan Snow on January 20, 2005
I always do jobs on foot. by Ewan Snow on March 02, 2005
A Picasso by Ewan Snow on March 02, 2005
Selected Shorts by Ewan Snow on March 18, 2005
A Love for Fool by Ewan Snow on March 18, 2005
Beardsley by Ewan Snow on March 18, 2005
Nude Descending a Staircase by Ewan Snow on March 23, 2005
Supply and Demand by Ewan Snow on April 04, 2005
On account of his adventures on the raft with Jim by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2005
Chapter CMXXIV by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2005
The blank page is a whore by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2005
Chapter CMXXIV by Ewan Snow on April 21, 2005
Before the time of yore... by Ewan Snow on June 10, 2005
Egg Martini by Ewan Snow on June 10, 2005
Two people walked down the street. by Ewan Snow on June 10, 2005
“Okay folks, it’s time to listen to me..." by Ewan Snow on June 23, 2005
I have peculiar habits... by Ewan Snow on July 29, 2005
Womyn's Lib by Ewan Snow on August 03, 2005
It Turned Cold by Ewan Snow on August 09, 2005
Will you help me work on my act? by Ewan Snow on August 31, 2005
Memoir Excerpt by Ewan Snow on September 11, 2005
Time is But a Nut Cake by Ewan Snow on September 19, 2005
"Classify yourself" by Ewan Snow on September 19, 2005
Portrait of a Marriage by Ewan Snow on September 19, 2005
I have notions about myself which you may find ridiculous by Ewan Snow on September 26, 2005
It started off... by Ewan Snow on October 06, 2005
I am going to write about my true feelings. by Ewan Snow on October 14, 2005
“This isn’t my dog.” by Ewan Snow on October 17, 2005
Fact by Ewan Snow on October 24, 2005
“These attempts at defining reality... by Ewan Snow on October 25, 2005
Healthcare Provider by Ewan Snow on May 16, 2006
I ordered another Dust Cloud... by Ewan Snow on February 21, 2007
FYI by Ewan Snow on April 15, 2007
Dubya slid onto my sofa by Ewan Snow on December 09, 2007
“You managed to get into my office, Mr. Phlonthonth, you've got two minutes. What's your pitch?” by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2008
Humidor by Ewan Snow on April 12, 2008
I keep my mind in my brain by Ewan Snow on August 27, 2008
DIY by Ewan Snow on March 26, 2009
Do Android Hillbillies Fuck Electric Sheep? by Ewan Snow on August 21, 2009
For Whom the Stew Tolls by Ewan Snow on March 19, 2010
Five Hundred Times Sharper than Steel by Ewan Snow on March 19, 2010
I suffer from a rare and debilitating condition. by Ewan Snow on June 19, 2013